And this morning I thought that that was the end of the world. I was beside myself because I thought my mom would be disappointed in me. Even if she didn't say so that she would be frustrated that I hadn't caught this earlier, that I was too lackadaisical. And I quickly realized, when trying to explain my fear to others, that this was all coming from my disappointment in myself; my feelings in general that I am too careless; and my pride - the pride I pray often that God will break me of, that must be wrested from my hands.
First I called Tom. I needed to be told it is OK and not a big deal and that no one would hate me for my mistake - he did this.
Then I called my mom. I had to know what she thought to know how I felt. She didn't answer and I left a tearful message.
Then I called my dad, to let him know, but mostly to be comforted. I wanted someone to say, 'What's so sad about that?'; someone to laugh and to talk about how this might be a good thing. He also told me my little sister and her husband were looking for a church. I was so caught up in myself I almost failed to recognize what a miracle that is. The proportions our problems take on is so strange, and wrong.
I called Lane to tell her I likely wouldn't be walking with her at graduation.
Then I called Amelia - still looking for comfort. Almost as an afterthought I mentioned I heard she was looking for a church, and we spent a long time (mostly, I did) talking about what we believe, what we look for in a church, how the Bible speaks to us, how we can worship...
I remember when Amelia told me she wasn't a Christian. And then, years later, at Thanksgiving this past year that she was a Christian! She seemed uneasy about it and I wondered what was in her heart and I didn't know what was in Jesse's heart but she told me it was his faith that brought her back to God. I like to think of myself as a "shy Christian," it sounds so much more innocent and forgivable than "squeamish Christian." I didn't know what was happening with them because I was afraid to ask. I am comfortable with me and my faith, I don't like to expose it to the light.
And so while mine was whithering, Amelia's was starting to take shape. And I nearly missed another chance to talk to her, because I was crying my eyes out over a technicality.
If I'm honest with myself, I don't want to take a science class and lab on top of my other courses this Spring. I want to start doing yoga and keep up with my housework (and read through my bible). I want to enjoy my last Art History class and my first Art class. I'd rather tackle Biology later. I loved the Biology class I took before. I got the worst grade of my college career in that course (C+) because I never took the time to do my lab work. This time it could be different, I would have the time.
I know I'll still feel better once my mom calls but I feel more like I want her to be OK with it for her sake, I will feel bad if I've disappointed her. But I am feeling OK with it. I am at least realizing that it is so insignificant that my worry is insulting.
For all of you struggling with much bigger things right now please forgive me for my selfishness.
'It's so hard to see when my eyes are on me' - Keith Green
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