More like a beam of light

I hope this post helps you, I don't know if it helped me. Maybe I need to back away from the computer in these times of turmoil, to have a different conversation - one with God, and not myself. But I'm done now, and on to my next conversation.

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I was having a hard time this afternoon; frustrated and tense, and not at all impressed with how I was acting or the decisions I was making. I was dehydrated and struggling with my work and was looking forward to hours of more work, for a class I'm not feeling very good about, that would take me away from housework and yoga - things important for my mental and physical wellbeing.

But even as all of this presented itself to me as the cause of my gloom, as I rode the bus to my apartment, I knew there was something far more fundamental at the root of my problems.

On my walk home from the bus I was still grumbling and longing for a "carefree" life. I actually thought a long sigh when a red sports car drove by. It was funny to me, I don't want a sports car, of all things; but it just seemed, at that moment, to represent some kind of freedom: the absence of responsibility and critical thought - give me the shiny thing and let me step on the gas.

When I got home I had to sit down and drink a glass of water, a cup of tea and I turned on my Christian Pandora station, that I don't always love, but sometimes really need, because I'll hear something that accords with what I'm thinking or feeling and, by putting it into song, by making it "permanent" in some clear, accessible way... I don't know why I'm trying to describe this.

But today, it was Sara Groves, "Just Showed Up for My Own Life", I like Sara Groves, but not this song particularly but today it said some things that made sense to me.

"Spending my time sleep walking

Moving my mouth but not saying a thing

Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in"

"I was in love with an idea

...

Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in a the... veneer" I took out some words here, I feel like she was talking about appearing to be a good Christian, but I was feeling more like my veneer was for myself - like there are too many layers between myself and my soul, my soul and God, like it's convoluted and over-thought. In my mind it's like there are all these papers between us that have to be regarded between steps: "How do I connect with God again? Ah, yes. It's right here in the third paragraph after the forth heading." This view of things is certainly due to my hectic school career, though that's not the cause of the feeling.

"There are so many ways to hide

There are so many ways no to feel

There are so many ways to deny what is real"

This rings true as well. I hide behind the most innocent and mundane of things. I fail to make time for God again and again without ever "doing anything wrong"; except letting the dishes, the laundry, a cup of tea, a blog post, take precedence over time in prayer and in the word or serving others. I know God will give me time for it all, but I don't trust this or I use my chores of necessity as an excuse for spiritual laziness.

"And I just showed up for my own life, and I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

I'm going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place

Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real until I'm truly amazed

I'm going to feel all my emotions

I'm going to look you in the eyes

I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes our lives"

And now, this. The part that is so hard to hold on to. The decision to follow God in everything I do. It's a narrow path, and I find that I always veer off of it while I'm looking in the wrong direction. But I have walked down it before, and it has been so fulfilling.

"Look for the holy in the common place," this is always a good place to start. Loving my neighbor as myself. Not letting things slide because, "they're really not important".

Oh, in my simple life I should see better than many how truly important those things are. Wrenching my eyes off of myself is the way to start. Asking for help; asking for forgiveness is the way to start.