Calvin and today

About a week old

Recently

I was looking through some old pictures of Cal tonight and I feel like he looks the same now, only bigger. With more smiles. And that's wonderful! I was really worried when he started to change for the first time. When his beautiful, long neck and delicate, sweeping jawline were subsumed by pudge. I even cried about it. But looking back I see that he couldn't have stayed that way - newborn and delicate - and still looked healthy and alright. I revel in his vitality and bulk these days. It makes me feel vital, and it makes me feel secure.

I also realized that he doesn't look as different as I thought. His body is much tinier in those "old" photos (of weeks back - a lifetime) but his face is the same. Well, actually, his face is all the more adorable now for learning to really smile and revealing dimples and sparkling eyes.

Man, he's gorgeous. He's a real knockout. We may never get a picture of it (he's so camera shy), but that's another thing I realized tonight: I won't forget. And not because my memory is good, because it's not, and that's been worrying me. It's because he will always look like him. He will always have the glow that I lament is missing from the millions of pictures we've taken. His height will change, his hair will change, etcetera, etcetera but that aspect of him that I adore will stay with him, and I won't have to look any further to remember the baby I'm falling in love with now.

I know this because parents say it all the time - that they look and they still see their baby - but also because I've experienced this phenomenon in my relationship with Tom. He is never less beautiful to me than when I first found him beautiful, he is only ever more than that. And also when I see my nieces and nephews, be they 4 or 14, they are precious to me as they are now, and I never miss what they were, or really think about it at all.

I realize that pictures are nice, but I needn't worry about my memories the way I do.
But stories should always be written down! Whenever there is a chance. Because they are hilarious and touching and more so in the words assigned to them in the moment. I need to write more down.

So:

Today Calvin smiled a million times and just glowed.

We put on his CD, Sounds Like Learning, and we sang to him from the table as we tried to play a game (Summoner Wars, the last time we played was the camping trip the immediately preceded us finding out I was pregnant). He started singing along loudly and with a lot of variation - very sing-y-like. He was so excited and happy. We tried to get it on video but he sniffed out the camera, even when I hid it under the table on my lap. He got very stoney-faced, as per usual. I tried to videotape him gazing into Tom's eyes as they sang together but that also failed. He made "o" mouth and the dimples above his lips showed.

He smiled, very big, a lot today, he kept thinking things were delightful, things we did. He looks at us with such love lately. It is so humbling and so exhilarating! It feels like Heaven, but almost a little painful, like it's too much.

Today there was a huge fire at a mill very close by around 4:40. Tom came home on his motorcycle and told us about it. Somehow we hadn't noticed the giant plume of smoke, the flames, the explosions (that could be heard and felt from Eugene, they say) or the sirens or the vehicles a couple blocks away. They evacuated a one-mile radius that we and Mindy were just outside of (Mindy by only one street). A helicopter from another mill brought water to the site. They say it will continue to smolder for days. We prayed for the safety of the people involved. Everyone was accounted for and no one had serious injuries. Isn't that amazing? Praise the Lord.

Mommy (that's me) didn't do much of anything today and even watched a lot of Parks and Recreation while she breastfed. Some days are just like that.

Calvin is holding his head up independently almost exclusively these days. He loves it! He is so happy when he's standing or sitting up (with minimal support) and gets fussy about laying down, even though it takes a considerable effort to support himself. He shakes a little with the effort and makes a very wide-eyed, very excited, face, with an "o" mouth. I thought he would launch himself out of his rocking bassinet today. I was legitimately worried. He had a look of frustrated determination at one point. He's getting to be such a boy, but I still have so much baby time left. That's exciting.