This morning

This morning I dreamed I was pregnant. I'd wake up to an alarm (I set three) and I'd realize the truth. But then I'd fall back to sleep and the dream would continue as before. My disbelief would be confounded by the firmness of my stomach and the positive pregnancy tests (I took three). Those tests have been such a source of pain and anxiety to me in the past, that answer has been so allusive. To see them, one after the other, affirming me in my hope and belief, was so rewarding, though a little tainted by my experience. Doubt never fully left me, but at least I was justified in my assertion: I was pregnant!
In the dream there was no one to tell, it was just me and my baby. I woke up for the final time on the verge of telling Tom. 
I woke up so happy. The realization came quickly but, despite some obvious disappointment, the feeling of happiness stayed. I hugged Tom, I wore a smile, I thought about my dream with contentment.
As the morning has worn on I couldn't help thinking about the dream, the implications of the dream, the reality of my situation, the facts and feelings of my experience, and the likelihood of reliving the feelings the dream evoked in my waking life. I became sad. I am sick, I am tired, my hormones are nearing their monthly fever pitch, and after a flood of tears I felt some relief. But I am constantly sad. Somewhere in myself, at all times, I feel there is a part of me that must be constantly meditating on pregnancy be it for biological, social, or deeply personal reasons, I don't know. It is not a part of me that is concious or logical, it's a part that is raw and undefined and it's tapped into, against my will, when I dream a dream, or get a phone call, or read a story, see something, hear something. It's not terribly often and it ebbs and flows. It is easy to ignore, most of the time, and so I don't address it; I let it be.
I woke up so happy. I hugged Tom, I wore a smile, I thought about my dream with contentment. What happened after that was not good, or helpful and too often ignored.