At 29

After turning 29 I keep wondering to myself, "Am I getting old?" I know on one hand, of course I'm getting old, everyone is getting old, and, yeah, this is when it starts. On the other hand I know, I'm young! I'm in my TWENTIES, for heaven's sake! But 29 has been hard to get my head around. I keep forgetting. I keep thinking I just turned 28. I don't think that's ever happened to me before. I usually adjust and accept pretty quickly. I know I'm a mother of TWO now, but that is all pretty recent. I feel like I need to grow up, and fast! I wonder, How am I supposed to dress? You know, so as not to look ridiculous? Do the lines by my eyes clash with this outfit? Is there any color left in my face? Do I need to start wearing lipstick? This is all sounding very superficial, and for the most part it is. I keep thinking of Julia Roberts' character in My Best Friends Wedding, and how I'm older than "her" now. I know the whole idea is that she super doesn't have it together, but I swear she seems more grown-up than I do. Part of that is just this current culture and everyone living as children as long as possible. I feel not much is expected of me on this front. And I did a search of actresses born in 1986 and most of them are still playing teenagers in things. That makes me feel a little bit better. Not because I want to think that I could pass as a teenager, because, gross; but because I think my problem is not so much with growing older and getting wrinkles and settling down (I love settling down. Where has settling down been all my life?), but that I feel like a child, like I'm shaming the age and embarrassing myself. Not by rolling in the grass at the park or wishing I lived in a Hayao Miyazaki movie, or belting out I Just Can't Wait To Be King from the Lion King. These things keep my heart young, and are good, and it's just the way I am, so leave me alone. But how much longer will I say things only to have people tell me I'm "so cute"? When will my opinion and way of speaking have weight? Would it matter if I dressed differently? I want to be a lady and I feel like a kid. I don't like to feel immature. I've always hated it. I made a lousy kid.

Well... I'm not a kid anymore; this I know. And I'm a mother, and a wife. I guess if I'm not turning into an adult by now there isn't much I can do about it. I refuse to change any of the defining aspects of my life. And, you know what? I can't really afford to change my clothes or hair either. This is me, at 29.