Day twenty one

I just found this photo when I went through my old emails with photo attachments - all the photos I've even sent to myself from my phone. There were a lot of memories there. Some are now erased. I kept this photo though. It is a ridiculous one, not meant for anyone to see. I was documenting the new haircut I'd given myself, one of many hairstyle I tried that year.

I had just moved into my little apartment, my first, in fact the only apartment I ever had before marrying Tom. This was at the beginning of my year in Portland, my year of running away.

I often would like to forget the mistakes I made that year. I was Jonah. I knew exactly what I was supposed to be doing and yet I ran away from God as fast as my legs would carry me. I never stopped believing, which gave me all the more incentive to hide.

Salvation came in the belly of my sister. I sat in Idaho for 5 months waiting for her to deliver, depressed and unable to run away. I was there, everywhere, in the presence of my sisters and mother. I finally had to deal with God, deal with breaking up with Tom and what God wanted of me.

Sometimes that I'd like to forget, but I don't really. I did not use that time the way God wanted me to, but that didn't stop Him from using it. When I think of the insensitivity, the stupidity and the wastefulness of those days I am utterly helpless and humbled, and in those moments I need God so much. Everything is put into perspective with Him. My sin is not minimized, but I am. And it's such a relief.