Grey Winter Mourning

My life has changed in so many ways since last I wrote here; most significantly with the birth of my nephew, Luke. But closer to home (not away in Idaho, I mean) things have been shifting steadily. Much as usual our future is very unclear and our present is very precarious. There is not much about it that I want to talk about and when I envision doing so I see myself many, many years down the road looking back to this time of clear struggles - a blessing in their clarity - and also remarkable peace. In the uncomfortableness of my situation I understand that God has not given up on us; that he is here, pulling us through a keyhole to the other side of His promises because we are determined not to knock and enter through the door itself.

Our apartment is wonderful, but very messy today and often. Our first Christmas tree sits a few feet away from me where I sit on our bed and is blinking its multi-colored lights - lights we bought but couldn't afford and didn't need. They remind me that we are blessed, but also that we are careless and that it would be well for us to be squeezed tighter, bound longer in financial insecurity so that we may release our grip on this world and its trappings and embrace the riches God gives us freely.
He finds me here today, undone. And so you find me; hopefully to do some good through communicating feelings, revelations, joy and grief and remembering old things and recognizing new things through the telling.

I love you all and I want to be here for you, if only in some small way. I miss you - People, World - I'm coming back out of myself to be with you.