A little bit of everything, all at once

There is so much changing around here, so fast. It's amazing. Tom and I could feel a change coming. We said we could just feel God moving, we could feel something about to happen, about to change. And now it has. Multiple things have changed and are changing, just like we thought.

I don't want to jump the gun, because not everything is nailed down. So for now I am praying; I am reading through Matthew, slowly and deliberately; I am making cookie brittle to try to express a sliver of the gratitude I feel for the men that kill themselves for my husband every day (really, every day); I am enjoying my husband, so much;

and I am looking forward to seeing this angel and her first first birthday gift: Cheeto. Scarlet turns one on Sunday and I cannot believe it. But despite only having seen her a handful of times in her rapidly lengthening life her face already looks so familiar to me, like I've known her for 23 years. And this is my new favorite picture.

Aaah... life is so good, so sweet. I am so well taken care of it's ridiculous. Which makes me wonder what all I should be doing. With all of these provisions I'm surely not meant to be holed up in my apartment watching the clock. Life beckons.

"Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matt. 11:29)
"Freely you have received, freely give." (Matt. 10:8)

The plan

I recently read the 10-year plan of a blogger I keep up with who’s now taking a little break from her paying job to get her life in order. As I’m on a break as well it got me thinking about my 10-year plan. As much as Tom and I have no idea what we’ll be doing a year from now there are some goals we have in mind and I thought writing them down might give me a more directed and hopeful outlook, at least for today. Then I thought, hmmm… this list is pretty boring and obvious: Have children, have a house, Tom having a fulfilling career, investment in our church and family… See what I mean? These are already on our mind all the time. Though I’m plenty directed and hopeful I’m not more directed, nor hopeful.

So let’s look at a 1-year plan. Eeps! I just got chills as I wrote that, and now I have a funny feeling in my stomach not helped by my coffee for breakfast. Wow! This list is already a lot more exciting. And I haven’t even started it yet. OK, here goes.

Between now and July 2012 I plan to…

Begin writing to my missionary friends regularly, and to my grandpa and grandma. That is only four people and my plan is a letter once a month with extra letters as necessary. This plan is so doable it’s ridiculous and I concocted it months ago and yet… no letters. I have some block about it, the same kind of block I get when I plan to read my bible daily. I need to get past the block: to push off from the shore and start swimming (that’s how it feels). Maybe I could excuse not wanting to read and write before because of school but I am well on from those days now – nearly a month away – and my desire to write has, obviously, returned.

Read my bible everyday. Everything, everything is better when I do this. There is no reason not to. Push off. Swim.

Start and make successful an Etsy store with Becky, the expectant mother. A woman (I am always thrown when I use that word for someone younger than I am) from my church is expecting her first, unexpected, baby. She needs an income due to her husband’s career situation and we want to keep her at home. This is a cause I really believe in, and it could be so fun, educational and profitable. I will be selling vintage clothing (a dream of mine) alongside her hand-made from vintage-material blouses. It could be so great and help so much. I want to work hard at this.

Make moves in the house-buying direction. Sound vague? It is. I don’t want to set my sights too high, especially since I love it here in my little apartment with our gorgeous, huge tree, our nearly floor-to-ceiling windows, our convenient location, our landlord fixing plumbing problems and the memories we’ve made in the year + we’ve lived here. But Tom and I long to have household projects and a yard to work on and work in and no amount of cleanliness and ease can substitute the good, hard work of owning a little dump that all our own. Once we get our ducks in a row, round up paperwork, etc. I am going to talk to a loan officer about what we can afford, if anything and then we’ll see what comes to us in the area. I have my eye on a tiny, tiny house several blocks away. But I always have my eye on something. That’s just how I like to daydream.

Become pregnant. I don’t know if I can put this down. It seems very out of our control. But I cannot deny that I will be planning for this, and have been already. Though, I am taking a few steps back. I don’t want to get ahead of God’s plan for us. I’m gradually giving away things I’ve saved that aren’t too sentimental knowing that when it does happen 9 months will be plenty of time to plan for a family that has been planning all their lives and plans not to plan much anyway. We won’t have to find a new apartment; I won’t have a job I can’t leave; the child will be clothed, fed, changed and loved on to its heart’s content. It will never cry. At least, this is how it seems now. There isn’t much to plan. We only need to grow ever closer to God and to each other and patiently wait, and we will be ready.

See all of the family that we can. I recently realized we have a genius system for this:

Christmas with Tom’s mom, stepfather and sister, as we’ve been doing since before we were married.

Late Spring/Early Summer with my mom and some sisters. There has always been some cause for this: Brooke’s wedding, our wedding (though that was September), Suzanne’s wedding, Scarlet’s birth, my graduation and next year? Another birth? We’ll have to think of something.

Late Summer: Seattle with Tom’s father’s side of the family. They all live up there and we went (for my first time) last year for cousin Audrey’s wedding. I now adore Seattle and can’t wait for August when we’ll be going for cousin Han’s nuptials. There are three more unmarried cousins but despite what they may decide to do I think we should go up there every summer for the rest of our lives. We’re the type of geese that fly north. Give me those grey skies and salty air!

Finally, we have Thanksgiving with my dad and sisters, brothers-in-law, nieces and nephews, and grandpa, if he’s willing (and he’d better be!).

Isn’t that the best plan you’ve ever heard of? It makes me love my life even more.

Reconnect with The Pearl Buck Center. I don’t know what this means. I don’t know if I’ll volunteer regularly or sporadically or apply for a job but I miss it and not only the people. I miss the regularity of it. I miss waking up and having a schedule and doing purposeful work from this time until that time and heading home on the bus wondering how it is that the time goes by faster every day. I would like a job there, I would like more control, but I am not ready just yet, I’m really not. Tom has encouraged me and I have considered it and in ways longed for it but I’m not ready yet. I need more time. I have a sense of having unfinished business in my personal life. But I need to make good use of this time as a free agent so that I don’t wait forever.

Paint the bathroom and re-caulk the shower. I’ve decided that even if we buy a house next month I want to invest in some little things around the apartment. I want that sense of accomplishment, and I want the work. Its good work and it will benefit us and possibly others. I’ve started the painstaking re-caulking and will do more today. Then it’s off to the hardware store for all the fixin’s. I’m excited.

Finish refurbishing the furniture I started on last summer. Yeah. Time, hard work, you get the idea...

Cook and bake a lot more. This fell off with the busy-ness of last term and I miss it. I don't even enjoy eating out as much because it's less of a special event. I'm tired of feeding Tom spaghetti and eggs and other cop-out meals (although they are awesome) every night. I also am tired of sending him off to work with no food and imagining what he must be eating and what it must be costing us to poison his hard-working body. I want to improve my talent, my knowledge and my efficiency in the kitchen. I think it is so worthwhile, and honestly, dreamy. I love sitting and imagining a life of kitchen proficiency. Not necessarily soufflés or anything, just mounds of incredible salads and fresh-baked bread. Mmmm. Yes! Yes, please!

Convince everyone that babysitting should be done at my place and then make my place babysitting heaven. I love having kids in my life. Oh my gosh, so much! And I love picking up fun things that I think kids would love but then no one comes to play with them.

I want to help out parents who need time for this or that. But I don’t super-love running around town on foot and on the bus getting to such-and-such place at such-and-such time and leaving all my home projects abandoned, and I don’t super-love being in someone else’s space. Sometimes its fun, but I get bored of being away from home. I loved watching Baby E regularly at my old apartment, even though that place was a hole.

It would be incredible to do daycare for a living, but I don’t want to bite off more than I can chew. This would be good for now. Just drop off your baby in a basket at my doorstep, they’ll be well looked after.

Love my husband and my best friend better. I want to do this with everyone. But they are the two people I am closest with in my life and a good place to start. I want them to have complete confidence in my love for them and my devotion to them. I want them to feel that they can tell me anything (though, guys, you don’t have to tell me everything). I want to help them to be the people that God wants them to be and encourage them in every good thing. I don’t want to worry about them or cause them to worry. I want to make them good food and tell them good stories and to make them know that they are beautiful, hilarious, sweet and endlessly interesting hard-workers – but that even if they weren’t I would still love them. I want them to know without me putting words to it how much I appreciate them.

Hopefully I will achieve this by July 2012 and then, like I said, you’re next.

There are 12 things for twelve months, reaching well into 2012; a list of things I feel I can and should accomplish and a list that doesn’t make me panic when reading over it.

In fact, it’s a list that gives me a thrill.

Yesterday

Yesterday I checked my mail (and fed my fish) for the first time in 3 days.

I had a card and gift from my Grandmother in California; this shirt:

and a letter letting me know that I do indeed get my diploma! I've done it!

Sunday was a day of tired and hormonal ups and downs. We were in the nursery at church and entertained Kate, John Spencer, Jacey and Callen with seemingly endless Thomas the Tank Engine tales and Raffi songs. It was childhood classic down there.

John Spencer sat on my lap and let me kiss him all over his neck in front of his mom. It's a big deal because John Spencer usually sobs and screams around me if his parents are anywhere in the vicinity and I'm not sure why. But if we are alone he is pretty much my best friend and lets me dole out the affection as much as I want (which is a lot). If he is at my house he's even better about this, if he's at church he's usually worse. So yesterday was a big win and I don't have much more time for those as he's moving to Canada in a matter of months.

But let's forget about that for the moment.

After church Tom and I decided to spoil ourselves with lunch by the river. We were all kisses and happiness in the car but by the time we were parked a mood swing had brought me low and we were considerably less chipper.

I can't decide if it was bad timing or good. Maybe my mood would have been worse had it not been for the spicy beer and cheese soup, the light on the river and the puppy we spotted prancing by on the waterfront. Either way, we ate our burgers with a little undue grumpiness and headed off to pick up a movie, both knowing we should be sensitive to the other's situation but both feeling very sensitive about our own.

The movie was True Grit, Tom was determined to see it again and I never had. It was great. Though as I remember it was punctuated with some kind of fight. May I recommend, if you know you are being unreasonable, but can't really help it, just admit it and give whoever it is a chance to be really wonderful to you, as Tom was for the rest of the night despite me not deserving it.

I was also struggling through a headache most of the afternoon and Tom offered to wait on me about a thousand times. By the end of the movie we were lovingly crying in each others arms and shortly thereafter Tom took a much-needed nap.

I woke him up a little after six by putting on Die Hard and sitting next to him with my icecream cone. We watched most of the movie over a spaghetti dinner in bed and, let me remind you, it is a great movie. That was the heyday of action movies. It's hard to beat young Bruce Willis rocking that New York accent, or Alan Rickman that German one.

We took a break to take a shower and Tom ran to the store for the ingredients for some of his famous (between the two of us) onion dip.

After the movie we gratefully went to bed. I cried some more about who-remembers-what. But as I fell asleep all cried out and finally rid of my headache, with Tom rubbing my back, I was peaceful and content.

All things considered it was a good day and I can't imagine how great it would be to have Tom home more often.

Today I am getting back into the swing of things here in the penthouse. I may go looking for a chest to put Tom's massive t-shirt collection in as the drawers are overflowing. As much as I want him to get rid of some, I really love all of them. They all remind me of him and he wears them so well.

I also emailed some phone pictures to myself and have been updating Facebook albums. I will share more pictures from this weekend here soon.

1 Camille at the park

2 Paia at Cafe Zenon my last day of school

3 A ladybug on Basil

And I was remembering and singing this this morning. I used to listen to The Be Good Tanyas constantly and when I started working at The Humble Bagel somehow everyone loved them and our CDs were destroyed from overuse.

Good Monday to you. May it be as nice as Sunday but with more work in it.

Good luck with your 24' truck this morning

What I don't understand...

... is that I ground the coffee and put it in the machine last night.

All he had to do was push the button.

In other news...



Triple Cheese bagels fresh out of the oven again this morning. Mmmhmm.

Just one day out of life

Tom slicing up the steak, like he always does, so that we need only transfer it to our mouths.

Last night Tom stopped at Capella on the way home. That is always wonderful because there is always something he wants to get for me. Last night it was particularly wonderful because he surprised me with a last-day-of-school celebration, so I got everything he could think of! Including: two bouquets of flowers; a drink so gingery we coughed every time we drank any; a pumpkin cookie from Sweet Life (the kind I was majorly infatuated with a while back until Tom brought one home for me almost every day); three boxes of strawberries; two steaks; two bunches of asparagus; and mushrooms, green onion, cream cheese, bacon... Oh, you can't go wrong.

I'm probably forgetting something, but you get the idea.

It was all very Tom of him, yet unexpected, and very "happy-making".

And there are leftovers: asparagus, tons of strawberries (even after my breakfast); that cookie went untouched. And my beautiful flowers will be here for awhile.

Oh man. I love flowers.

I love Tom. But can I tell you the truth? I'm so used to this.

It's the best.

And the greatest part of the night was just having Tom there with me, laughing at old episodes of 30Rock we just bought on DVD. Earlier in the day I was watching them by myself, and laughing, of course, but thinking, "I miss Tommy. Laughing isn't fun without him."

And so we spent the night talking about how much we love food, how much we love Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin, and how needy our children are going to be, Oy!... just like us.

Love me, Tom! Love me always, a lot!

----

Turns out I did forget something: Triple Cheese Marsee bake-at-home bagels for this morning/afternoon. Oh my gosh, what a guy! I'm suddenly so hungry!

Cake against the odds

Why are my shoes up by that cake? Well, for one thing I intend to eat that whole cake myself so I can put my feet wherever I want.

Why such an air of satisfaction? Because I formed that wee little cake out of mere scraps and two different recipes - neither of which I had the ingredients for.

And you know what? I was proud. And pretty dang satisfied.

So I got out my sugar, flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, eggs, mascarpone - because I didn't have yogurt or sour cream or anything anything else called for and what on earth can't be improved with cheese? - and the dreggs of my morning coffee - because I didn't have espresso... whatever and the whole "mocha" thing sounded great! I also grabbed some chocolate chips for good measure.

I slapped on my last-option apron, the one my friend Lisa left me when she moved to China.

The one with the too-short strings in the back that make me feel a little claustrophobic.

Ah... Paris.

I have no mixer so I took out my wooden spoon and I mixed and I mixed until the mascarpone was only pretty lumpy, as opposed to really lumpy.

The batter tasted like delicious pudding and it was all I could do to put it in the oven in the first place.

But I did and I wasn't disappointed, and by the next day, with the help of Tom and Lane (because I did share afterall... sorry about the shoes guys) the cake was gone.

Another day, another adventure in the kitchen of Dinah Claire: novice with a knack.

Take away my heartache, in the night like a thief

I love the way he looks, I love the way he sounds, and I love all the deeper more important things that are too numerous and serious to get into right now.

I got to go out with him night before last. I love when he chooses to go to Poppi's where everything is so small: small portions, small chairs, small vases of small flowers, small salt and pepper shakers, small glasses of water... He is so big, but he loves that place. He sits on a little chair and eats a little bread and loves every minute of it; and so did I. I got my usual shrimp pita sandwich and he got his usual standard curry chicken with extra chutneys. We got a small cup of decaf coffee (the only size they have, of course) and a small glass of the sweetest Greek wine. It was like drinking syrup, but it felt very festive. We ordered the sweet walnut cake with whip cream, karidopitta, and a couple of noonas and left, with the staff putting on jackets and turning off lights behind us, feeling very full.

That is one of the blessings of these busy times, any time together is a special occasion. And with Tom going into overtime within two days of his work week we can afford to order some syrupy wine, pick up and movie we won't watch, and be thankful for the struggle that leads to so much happiness over and over again.

A break in Spring

It's day six of my break and I feel like I've just been lying around the whole time, and I have, but I've managed to get some things done and I thought it was about time for an update.
So, all my finals went pretty well, the Spanish final could have gone better but it was a more stressful circumstance than usual and I guess I did well enough under those conditions. My final final was on Thursday, the 19th, and early in the morning. I was pretty wiped out the rest of the day due to the culmination of all end-of-the-term stress and from waking up at 6 which is a sight earlier than I normally do. these days. But too lacking a Tom to nap, I guess, I was still able to salvage the day because the weather was so beautiful and reviving Lane and I took a walk around her neighborhood in the evening while my clothes were going in her washer. Then we went grocery shopping and then watched Russel Brand stand-up on You-Tube while I sorted socks. It was our kind of evening and very long coming as school's had me hopping. I did miss Tom though, it's just how it is yet.
So, what I'm doing now is eating straight out of a pretty large bowl of Jello that I made out of both the peach and raspberry boxes of Jello I found in the cupboard. I'm free to do this because I am the only one whose shown any interest in this Jello for several days now - Tom, I think, just ate some to be nice. I made so much because Suzanne came to visit on her way to see Grandpa in Woodland and we invited Lane over as well (though, she can't have sugar) and I had made apricot Jello the other day (a small box) and it had gone over so well and gone so quickly I thought surely I should make as much as I could! Jello is gorgeous, and so fun to eat - but it makes me feel a little ill turns out.
Anyway, Friday I spent cleaning our little apartment. Things were pretty crazy in here as we'd been so busy we hadn't been cleaning up after ourselves very well and papers and inevitably abandoned projects lay everywhere just adding to my stress and feelings of frustration. Things are messy again already, of course, I haven't been doing much on my feet lately, nor has Tom, and we've both been into little projects and tend to spread out wherever's handy. I used to think I could have a small little house all of my days and be happy in how easy it was to manage (and heat) but Tom is just too big - his projects require at least a 2 foot radius and he uses a lot more stuff than I do as well. No, we need Tommy room - oh for the day he'll have an office! I can't wait.
Saturday I spent a bit more time doing chores but mostly sat and looked on Etsy for things I like and ideas for things I could make - I do this quite a lot but it may all be worth it once I can justify buying supplies. Plus it's fun and relaxing and it cures my window shopping itch. Lane came over in the late afternoon and then Sue showed up and we three went to Trader Joe's and Plaza Latina for provisions (Sue was dying to go to Trader Joes as she lives in No-wheres-ville AND suffers sales tax!). So my bright shining moment of pride this break (although slightly dampened by the fact that I didn't finish cleaning the kitchen) I made empanadas! Beginning to end all by myself! I don't cook, ya know. My husband does that stuff for now, I'm slowly learning when I feel like it (as is my way). But I was inspired by watching this YouTube video, Mama's Empanandas. I could understand most of it and, anyway, I'm a visual learner. I didn't feel like watching it again though, just then, so I kind of put my own spin on the process but, miraculously, it worked and I we ate very heartily for days on what I cooked up. I used different potatoes and a lot more, and chicken for the meat, and a lot less, than Mama did. I did it on the even cheaper side of things. Sue bought the salsa verde and Mexican sodas. We also drank red sparkling wine because it was too novel to pass up. We rounded off the evening with more YouTube - Flight of the Concords standup, which turns out is hilarious. I haven't been interested although Tom has the first season of their show - but, as usual, I didn't give Tom's taste enough credit (just like with The West Wing) or, as we joke, my standards have been lowered since I married him.
It was a good night and Sue left early Sunday for Southern Oregon. Sunday was much like our usual Sundays - church and hanging out and Bible study. We had dinner at Kyle and Davina's - Tom, Lane and I - more Mexican food, more good. Camille, the baby, was loving on Mr.Tom as usual. He's such a ladies man - though the boys love him too.
This week has been watching movies and sleeping in very late. Tom didn't get any hours this week despite his efforts but what a perfect time for that huh? We went to the library which we haven't been able to do in forever. Tom got a huge stack of comic books and I got books on tape and a knitting book for men (I'm very butch in taste). I've gotten through (on tape) The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym by Poe - very fun to listen to an adventure, very bizarre ending however, a little unsatisfying; I keep thinking I haven't finished it but then remember with slight annoyance 'Ah yes, huge white figure in the fog! Excellent, excellent ending.' My mom sometimes would rent us old fashioned mysteries on tape when we were sick and our eyes were too tired to watch T.V. She would make us Jello too because we'd always ask for it. And she'd go to the store and buy it and crackers and 7up and wait on us hand and foot and never act like it was any trouble. She'd make me spaghetti for breakfast. She was the best at taking care of us when we were sick or sad. One time, living in Idaho, I went to Brooke's house and was really sad about something and she laid me down in her bed and put on a mystery on tape she happened to have and turned a fan on my face and took care of me the same kind of way. She's going to be a good mom.
Now I'm listening to A Death In the Family by Agee. It's incredible. I really hope I'm not disappointed at the end because so far it's one of the my favorite stories I've ever heard, I guess, or read. I've just been sitting on the couch knitting, tears streaming down my face and Tom, who was reading and not paying attention to the story didn't know what was going on. But anyway, I did knit. I knit Tom's mom a scarf I'd intended on making as a Christmas gift. I loved the color of the mohair yarn for her but I didn't like what I was doing with it so I made her something else and decided to use the great yarn when I wasn't under a time crunch and could figure out something I liked that she would like. Anyway, I finished it and I really like it - I'm wearing it now. It seems too near Spring to give it to her - it's Autumn colors, really. I might save it til then and forget about an occasion.
I also cut my hair and haven't done so in a while so I was a bit nervous. I just chopped a couple inches though, pretty straight-forward.
I have a few more responsible things to do that I'll hopefully get around to. Mailing things and filling out things and whatever. Tom and I also want to go somewhere natural and beautiful in the area as we never do that and we can't afford to go to the coast (which is what we really want).
Right now though I'm starving. And I'm impatient to get back to my book. Oh books on tape! How practical you are! How wonderfully comforting and convient you are! And free? Gotta love it.
Wish me luck! And God bless whoever is reading this, you must really care about me.

"My life as told by food"

Alright Jessica, you're on. I thought of all these during my incredibly ridiculous, mandatory-attendance lecture I had this morning. I think I'll do 12 so I can respond about cauliflower.

1. I love cauliflower and broccoli cooked not raw. When I was living with my mom and sister for a little while a couple years ago my mom would occasionally steam some cauliflower for no reason and Amelia and I would fill a bowl with plain steamed cauliflower, sit down in front of a Project Runway marathon (confession!) and eat it with our hands like popcorn until the whole pot was gone. See if it works on your kids.

2. I used to make the best garbanzo bean spread with a pastry cutter but haven't bought any good garbanzo beans since I've lived in Eugene, which seems weird. I don't use any oil or water, just tons and tons of fresh lemon juice - it's so good.

3. I hate to admit it with my natural food and local shopping advocacy but Safeway brand ice cream is so so good for the money. Mocha Almond Fudge and Cherry Almond Fudge especially. I also but Ramen when I'm there (I am just spillin' my guts today!) Let me tell you, though, if you get sick go buy Ramen, carrots, spinach (whether they're available in season locally is between you and your God - you don't need them) and ginger root. You can make it in like a half second when you feel crappy and starving and you'll feel so much better. You just have to cut the carrots thinly so they cook fast with the noodles and spinach. The ginger takes the most effort but it's the thing that makes you feel better so quit whingin'.

4. Lane and I need no freezer. We've been known to eat an entire box of Tofutti Cuties while on a walk in good weather. Needless to say, none had the chance to melt.

5. On my 19th birthday Tom and I had been dating for 2 weeks. He made up this ridiculous and totally believable story to surprise me with an indoor picnic (February). We ran up the stairs to his apartment "so I could see the insane pamphlet the trucker had given him while he grabbed the wallet he'd forgotten". Instead there was a cardboard box-table laid with everything we'd ever eaten together. He'd run all over town buying wraps, pot stickers, olives, salads... it was such a feast! and so adorably romantic. We believe in eating well on birthdays - it is the best way to celebrate and there are far to few birthdays to worry about the cost of one meal. This year we're going to Cornucopia as we've signed up with them for a free meal on your birthday! I recommend this as that place is delicious (though I've only tried their hamburgers... because once you do you'd never order anything else).
6. I love the taste of coffee but it will never compare to the smell - I think it's the best smell in the world. It's so incredible but so entrapping! I hate the way that coffee makes me feel: Nervous, jittery, stomachache-y. Especially Mattson coffee because Tom and I make it as dark and thick as an abyss - an abyss full of caffeine and acid. I average about 8 ounces a day (more on Sundays, less every other day) on days I have more it's not made at home, so less deadly. Sometimes I stop for long periods of time but that smell! That damned smell! It always brings me back.
I love to drink it with lots of cream now because it's gentler on the stomach, cream tastes good, and I figure I'm restoring some of the calcium that being leached out of my bones.
The bed and breakfast we went to on our honeymoon was the perfect combination of old beauty and charm and modern style and convenience. They had an Italian coffee machine you could help yourself to that made the best cup of coffee and at breakfast the husband would bring you cups of coffee so you didn't have to get up. I want one.

OK, now I want some coffee. Six more to come in my next post.